


Free

by EstherWeepingAngel



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Manga Spoilers, Minor Levi/Erwin Smith, Non-Chronological, Sad Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Stanley Uris Lives But Is Not Mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:41:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29164368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EstherWeepingAngel/pseuds/EstherWeepingAngel
Summary: All Levi wanted his entire life was to be free. Was that greedy of him?
Kudos: 8





	Free

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> So I recently caught up to the manga and got super emotional and had to write this. This is kind of messy and mostly feelings and random moments from Levi's life, I hope you like it!  
> MANGA SPOILERS! seriously, don't read this if you don't want to be spoiled!
> 
> English is not my native language, so I apologize for any mistake I might have :) This is my first fic for the fandom, so I' m kind of nervous, but I wanted to share this.

Levi remembers very clearly the first time he saw the sky.

Years passed since then, since that fateful day when he climbed up from the suffocating underground city he had no choice but to call home his entire life. He still remembers the damp air, the cold sweat clinging to his back, the dull ache from the cut on his forehead. The gold of Erwin's hair as Levi followed him for the first time out of many.

Levi would never admit it, but the moment he looked up at the never-ending blue and the bustling merchants all around was one of the most memorable of his life.  
No description could have prepared him for the sudden burst of light, harsh but so gentle at the same time, the voices of life around him, kids running with no fear. So different from the shouts or deathly silence he was used to, the warmth from sunlight that chased away a chill he could never shake off back home. 

Home. What was home anyway? Levi's never had the privilege to have a true one. His mother used to be one, with her soft raspy voice and her reassuring hands. Then Kenny, with his bluntness and lack of empathy. Kenny who knew how to show affection only in the form of fancy blades and teaching him to fight. Isabel and Farlan were all he had left now. They were the only ones who remained. 

The day Levi saw the sun for the first time was a turning point. And Levi can't help but wonder if maybe he shouldn't have climbed up these steps at all. 

Maybe if he hadn't left the underground, Isabel and Farlan would have been alive.

Levi thinks of them often, their memories like a bruise that never fades, no matter the time that has passed. Did they regret joining the survey corps with him? Did they regret trusting his plan, his foolish decisions? He should have been with them in their last moments, should have saved them. And now they were both dead.   
They escaped the underground, no longer trapped under the ground, but was it worth it? 

Maybe if he hadn't followed Erwin that day, he wouldn't have had to lose his comrades. His soldiers, his friends, who he let down again. Wouldn't have had to see the blood pool around Eld's body, Oluo's twisted limbs, and Gunther's lifeless body floating in the air, suspended by his gear. Petra, sweet determined Petra, her spine broken and pressed against that tree, her eyes looking up at something he couldn't see. 

"Devote your heart." That's what Erwin told him when he joined the military. And Levi does, he keeps giving his heart to the cause, to humanity, only for it to break again and again as the people he cares about die around him.   
Again and again. A vicious cycle that even humanity's strongest can't seem to break. 

The pain comes when he expects it the least. It's when Connie and Sasha bicker the way Oluo and Petra did, when the glint in Eren's eyes remind him of Isabel, his green eyes shining as if taunting him. The glint in Mikasa's eyes when she's not frowning, bringing back forgotten memories of lullabies and warmth.   
It's listening to Eren, Armin, and Mikasa dream of the ocean and of the outside, their voices bringing him back to a starry evening with Isabel and Farlan. He wishes he could shake them awake, warn them from the disaster that life brings, but he knows too much about wanting freedom, wanting to live. 

"Devote your heart," Erwin tells him when they see each other for the last time. Levi looks up at him, his commander, friend, maybe more, but Levi doesn't dwell on what could have been. Erwin is alive before him, one arm missing and with a reassuring smile, but Levi knows he's gone. Knows Erwin gave up on his dream without him even noticing, maybe long ago.

Levi has never loved anyone the way he loved Erwin, and it has always terrified him. So he ignored the urge to smooth Erwin's messy hair down after a long day of paperwork, forced himself to look down when the sun hit his skin just the right way before sunset, never glanced at his lips, so close yet miles out of reach. He swallowed down his tears when Erwin came back to him without his right arm.

And when Floch puts Erwin's broken body next to Armin's charred form the choice is obvious. He should live, of course he should. Erwin will come back to him, whole again and this could be their second chance, Erwin's chance to see the basement. 

But Erwin shakes him off and mumbles in his slumber, far away in a distant memory and Levi realizes he has to let go.   
He thinks of Erwin's last words, of the distant look in his eyes as he talks of their fallen friends, of his dream and the humanity left in him that he left behind a long time ago, to become the devil humanity needed.   
Levi thinks of the silence surround Erwin after missions, of his clenched fists after Mike's death. Erwin convinced his soldiers to give their hearts to the cause Levi forgot Erwin gave his heart and souls too.

The day Erwin is put to rest Levi doesn't cry. He wonders if his humanity died too.

Years later he watches the destruction on the port and wonders if Erwin would have known what to do, what to say to stop his broken survey corps and Eren. He feels so helpless, his missing fingers a reminder of how useless he is, how weak.   
And as Hange, smart, crazy, brave, Hange, the closest to a home he has left, walks to their death, the tears threaten to fall. But he has to stay strong, they deserve better than to see him crumble.Levi walks up to Hange and smacks his fist on their shoulder. "Devote your heart."  
Hange blinks at him and screeches. "Hey! That's the first time I heard you say that!"

It is. Hange always knew how to soften his sharp edges to make him see the world in a way no other could.   
"See you, Hange," He mutters as they leave, watching them go for the last time. 

  
Levi thinks of them all again now, at what looks like the end of the world. Farlan, Isabel, his mom and Kenny, Gunther, Eld, Erwin and Hange, and the rest of them. Too many bodies to count, too many names left unsaid. He thinks of their dream about a world with no titans, such a foolish and stupid dream. But that's what made it worth it, isn't it? The longing for freedom must have been worth their sacrifice. 

All Levi wanted his entire life was to be free. Free of the ghost of his mother, the thugs of the undergrounds, the titans, his gripping guilt over his friends and the thousands dead. Free from his love for Erwin and his longing for those who were long gone.

All Levi wanted was to see the sky. Was that greedy of him? 

Levi thinks of the rumbling and sighs, knowing that soon enough, he'll see them again.   
He'll be home.

**Author's Note:**

> basically this was me remembering how tough Levi's life has been and being sad about it


End file.
